what two years of isolation taught me

reflecting on my first two years back in colorado

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in the midst of the pandemic, i packed up and made the move back to my childhood roots in colorado.

living in denver for the past two years has been incredibly insightful, and while i’ve pushed myself creatively and socially, i’ve made no major strides in either area, so it makes the time feel futile.

but i know better— and wanted to mine out any learnings i may have inadvertently collected from the quarry of these past two years in isolation.

after cycling through several friendships, rekindling others, and reflecting on my life in its entirety, i’m excited to share the five most important lessons i learned:

1. don’t talk, do

each time i’ve had an internal call to adjust something in my life i’ve run it by anyone i encounter (including strangers!) until the decision is made.

listening to others’ opinions about my situation is helpful, but i’ve noticed those external voices can easily (subconsciously) override how i actually feel.

keep your cards close to your chest and within your close circle, otherwise get to work and let your results show how much work you’re putting in.

2. do the next thing

usually we know the very next step in each category of our lives as to how we may want to improve, but remain in the information-gathering phase of self-improvement.

for me this shows up in my anxiety about solo mountain adventures.

while reliably invigorating, i’m often more overwhelmed by the planning and rule-compliance of adventuring rather than actually getting outside.

for me i know the next area of contention around camping alone is the cooking aspect. i need to buy a camping stove and learn a few meals to cook.

that’s the next step to getting outside more, not researching more gear like my brain says.

if you want to be better at yoga, find a class and show up.

if you want to learn a new skill, spend 20 minutes learning everyday.

if you want a friend, ask around.

my dad always says, “showing up is 80% of the work”.

3. you must offer value

it’s true, people may like you for who you are, but on a fundamental level, most relationships are mutually transactional.

at any time you have to be ready to commit fiscally and temporally in order to deepen relationships in your life.

but this is more than just “showing up”. that last 20% can make or break your belonging to a community.

i can see how well my siblings and friends do at this. i’ve continuously missed the generosity of handmade gifts i’ve received, hiding from the kindness for fear of having to reciprocate materially.

but the truth is, in order to be a part of a community you must have something to offer. what does the group gain with you being there?

can you claim a new recipe to bring to potlucks?

can you offer to drive your 4WD vehicle to the trailhead?

can you have one of the best moods?

4. no one cares

as harsh as this tenet may sound, this is one of the best lessons i’ve learned.

returning to social media after a couple years off, it’s been hard to not overthink each post i make knowing various figures who have been important to me in previous chapters of life still follow me and may not approve of this new direction i’m heading.

but the truth is: no one cares.

i’d rather underestimate the importance of the public eye than overestimate it as to prevent compensating for a non-existent opinion.

post the video.

make the joke.

look like a fool.

change careers.

no one cares.

5. be your own older brother

last week i called upon my ‘protective older brother’ energy to help me through the transition to this next chapter.

growing up as the oldest male sibling, i never had an older brother to come in and save the day. i had to figure out traumatic social and familial situations on my own.

but we can be our own older sibling, parent, or guardian.

when we step into our lives with that energy we can make decisions that they would advise without having to account for the minutiae of feelings involved, allowing ourselves a buffer from any justification or convincing we might need to make.

stop waiting for your partner, parents, or friends to save you and save your damn self.

conclusion

these last couple years have been the most challenging years of my entire life.

my greatest fears have come true, and i’m finally having to face the music of my inaction. it’s been the autonomy i’ve needed, but not necessarily wanted.

but through this isolation i’ve begun to grow my own roots and establish myself as an individual— which is exactly what i came here to do.