as a human species, we can attribute a large portion of our reproductive success to our innate desire to pursue pleasure and avoid pain.
it’s one of the fundamental laws of evolution— one we exude when we choose to order take-out instead of cooking at home for example. after all— making a meal is laborious and unpredictable while take-out is comfortable and consistent.
if we listen to this voice of pleasure consistently it strengthens, and pain becomes so foreign that we begin to fear it; after all— it threatens to destroy the comfortable life we’ve worked so hard for.
so we avoid grief, depression, and anxiety like the plague, diving head first into pleasure.
shifting our mindset
but what if these painful emotions were our grandest teachers?
Carl Jung seemed to agree:
[the] psychologist Carl Jung describes the spiritual path as an unfolding into wholeness. Rather than trying to vanquish waves of emotion and rid ourselves of an inherently impure self, we turn around and embrace this life in all its realness—broken, messy, mysterious and vibrantly alive.
— Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
this requires a paradigm shift in how we understand emotions and their purpose inside of us.
emotions aren’t something to be feared, but rather are feedback about your interaction with the world. a sign that you need to adjust something in your life; information guiding you to be your truest, most authentic self.
shifting our mindset about emotions from a place of fear to a place of understanding, we are then armed to begin the process sitting with these difficult emotions. instead of confronting them with hostility or repressing them for a later time we can simply ask: what does this emotion want me to understand?
and believe me, it isn’t easy. but it is worth it.
listening
but the good news is that listening to your emotions may not take as much time as you’d think.
the deeper you listen, the quicker you may find it pass, uncovering a deeper truth about yourself, one that you already felt deep down, but never acknowledged consciously.
for me, a difficult emotion would be the fear and intimidation of being the person in my head i envision— it would require a vast list of changes both to my environment and relationships; a worthwhile but uncomfortable stage of growth.
it would involve
disappointing people i love
giving up long-held dreams
letting go of unfulfilling friendships
and yet, i am not alone. so many people i’ve talked to lately describe these intense emotions they’re “dealing with”, a perfectly apt response to powerful feelings. but when we see emotions as separate from ourselves is when we give them power over us. instead we should, as Jung points out, “turn around and embrace this life in all its realness”.
by using all of our emotions, not just the good ones, we can gain insight into who we are and how we should interact with the world now. due to the real-time nature of emotions, we discover what we need immediately.
for example
jealous of a friend who just started dating an amazing partner?
this may be telling you it’s something you want but haven’t been working towards. what action could you take towards finding an amazing partner?
angry at a coworker for stealing your thunder during a presentation?
express it healthily by having a civil discussion with them about how that made you feel.
disappointed that your friend rarely follows through with plans?
use this as a sign that you may no longer be a priority to them and determine whether or not to have a difficult conversation or let go.
creating space
so now, how do we foster listening to our emotions in real life?
here are some ways i’ve managed to create space for listening:
meditation
i began meditating in 2019 by sitting in silence for 10 - 20 minutes each morning, un-guided. since then i’ve incorporated guided meditations and music to help me. in addition i’ve integrated it into my lifestyle; meditating anytime i’m waiting in line, walking by an enticing sun beam at the park, or before bed to reflect on my day.
each person will have a unique experience with meditation, some prefer mindfulness over mantra meditation, or loving-kindness over focused meditation.
the key is to find a couple practices you enjoy and fit them into your current lifestyle, each time choosing the best method based on what you need in the moment
for me, i prefer focused meditation in the morning (to strengthen my attention span), and mindfulness meditation in the evening (in order to decompress).
pick out, experiment, and define a routine that works for you.
outdoor walks
another easy way to cultivate space is to simply go for a walk outside.
even in the winter months i still bundle up and make it a daily habit to get outside— preferably early in the morning to get sunlight into my eyes, get my blood flowing, and step back to check in with myself.
i recommend leaving your phone at home, or if you enjoy audio journaling, carrying a camera, or have safety concerns, try turning it onto airplane mode (and leave your headphones at home!).
mindful walks are one of the most potent ways to begin a time of reflection in your life.
nature + movement + pondering is the lifeblood of our souls.
get up earlier
at the expense of sounding like a ‘grindset’ tech entrepreneur, the most beneficial habit i practice (for periods of time) is to get up at 4-5am daily for a few days or weeks in order to have several hours in the morning to spend with myself before the rest of the world awakes.
your body may resist the early wakeup calls at first, but that can be mediated by going to bed earlier to account for the loss of sleep. try experimenting with what time to get up and stay consistent with the daily habit until you feel caught up with your spirit.
this practice is so powerful that you may find it becomes your favorite part of the day.
i spend the time not only meditating on my difficult emotions, but also to read nourishing books, move my body how it wants, or catch up on todos i’ve been dreading.
the goal is to use the time to actionably benefit your mental, physical, and spiritual health.
conclusion
despite what we’ve learned (or not learned) about emotions in the past, they aren’t enemies. if you give them the floor to to express themselves they can provide key insights into your life.
what is important is that you continue to seek what they have to say by creating space to listen in your life through daily habits such as meditation, mindfulness walks, and earlier mornings.
like all worthwhile things, confronting these emotions is not easy— especially when you haven’t tuned in for years or even decades.
but like any muscle, the more deliberate attention, repetition, and exercise you give them, the more it strengthens.
who knows, you may just learning something new.