times are more heated than ever.

division overshadows even the wisest of “collective healing” influencers, who they themselves need to use Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok to sell their offerings in abrasive and aggressive strategies to stay favorable to the almighty content Algorithms.

massive data centers eclipse small communities– hoarding land from farmers and consuming local resources. my heart broke hearing from a friend that their relative recently sold their family ranch for over $30M to a tech giant. the ranch itself was placed along a river in natural wilderness.

driving around, there are fewer and fewer “hole-in-the-wall,” family-owned restaurants, while chain restaurants clobber over each other to panel our roads with their brazened branding; demolishing old buildings with character for their plain, boxy, modern construction quick-builds.

my own admittedly cavalier Amazon purchase history has me reconsidering my own contribution to the mass consumption and packaging waste involved with delivery and returns. my veins boiled when a small chapstick i ordered came wrapped in multi-layered plastic bags with capacity many magnitude the size of the quaint salve.

what we trade in convenience is our very lifeblood, and that of our planet’s.

earth broods while we pull our virtual reality goggles down over our tiring eyes– whispering, “save me” to them.

i am no longer able to sit by.

looking at the stacks of books lining my shelves, i wonder how to synthesize all that i’ve learned in my life to really confront this rampant toxicity, war, and consumption in society.

as a kid, while reading about people who hid jews during WWII, i often tortured myself with the hypothetical conundrum of if i would have the gaul and courage to have hidden jews while the gestapo went door-to-door. now, as ICE has begun a war campaign against the marginalized of society, it seems plausible as an actual quandary in the near future that i will have to put money where my moralistic mouth is, to uphold values i deem essential and birthright.

in the swirl of our socio-political-cultural mayhem, i simply wonder what i am to do.

being a counselor providing therapy feels more like hucking a shot-glass of water on a forest-fire than anything substantial; a well-intentioned attempt, but hugely ineffective. while it is a vocational step in the right direction for me, i’m finding it doesn’t quench scratch the itch of a deeper desire within. i’m finding i’d rather stop applying symptomatic bandaids, to pull out my maps, tie my boots, and ruck upriver to locate and pull the source of these issues by their goddamn roots.

while catching some sunlight earlier this week, i had the realization that most everything we need to coexist as a human species is free: WATER. SUNLIGHT. SEX. COMMUNITY. FIRE. BIRTH. DEATH. LAND. SUSTENANCE.

everything beyond those is a bonus. and between our needs and each of those essentials is a gap. sure, one might be paying for convenience or for surety to access. but that gap alone is where war, greed, suffering, and waste incur.

what is a man to do?

i’ve recently turned 31, and the amount of responsibility i feel to apply myself has grown so strong i fear i no longer have the option to further neglect it.

i feel my whole life has prepared me to answer such a question. certainly it will involve using my voice, becoming educated in the socio-political-cultural “dogs” my introverted heart so wishes to “let lie”; but i’m certainly ready to have some difficult conversations with not only myself, but with those around me.

getting up to speed on the current events of the world seems daunting and has me feeling susceptible. tender. exposed. because i truly have to sit down and find my own answers to what I think about the world and its happenings?

there is an ember of something here in all this.

sure– i could delete my social media & become the hermit i’ve always longed to be. but that only serves to remove my perspective from the global conversation.

in applying myself, i’m finding what we need is an alternative “social media” to meet in, where there aren’t ads being forced down our throats, and the sole purpose isn’t to devour our attention– but rather to unite us in building a sustainable, healthy, prosperous future for us and our following generations. a secret garden.

more to come.

in (a very late) memorial of my successful completion of the John Muir Trail (JMT) in California during the summer of 2024, i wanted to survey my memory of that time now that the dust has (long) settled and present the top few life learnings from my time on the trail.

a year ago, to this very moment of writing, i was sweating my way down the 200+ mile JMT. the trail starts in the valleys of Yosemite National Park and ends at the summit of Mt. Whitney— the tallest peak in the lower 48 states.

during this time, i spent 20 days outdoors, with a quick layover in town at Independence obtaining my third food resupply and picking up my father, who hiked the last four days with me. other than that, i was alone, with my mind, in the woods.

so, here are the top five lessons i learned from hiking 200 miles alone.

1. Everything you need, is already in front of you

a classic mission when thru-hiking is to “find oneself,” and i was no different. i wanted to find a mission, purpose, or anything that could get me out of my active addiction and depression.

i was hoping some shiny new idea would magically plop down into my conscious purview, resulting in a vivid state of enlightenment: a new hobby interest, venture, or permanent click into a new way of being.

but what became clear on the trail was that what i needed was already in front of me— begging for deeper attention and devoted effort. i had a half-finished album awaiting my return, intense grad school classes haunting me overhead, and a paralyzing addiction to address.

i didn’t need something new, i needed to wake up.

2. Take care of the present, & the rest will be taken care of

preparing for a hike that was five times as long as my then longest backpack was a serious and anxiety inducing undertaking.

since i hiked it in august, i spent the summer in preparation, and at times, in bed being consumed by paralyzing anxiety. until the end of the trail, i didn’t know if i could pull something this gregarious off. i couldn’t hike the whole journey in my mind beforehand in order to please my anxiety, rather i had to step into the chilling unknowningness.

but upon embarking on my journey, what became crisply clear was that i didn’t need to know how to walk 200 miles. i needed to know how to walk one step.

and that, i sure know how to do.

the old adage of “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” truly came in handy.

the organic nature of discovering this truth helped meld this lesson into my heart’s knowing as wisdom, not merely intellectual comprehension.

to me, this meant that:

“Wherever doing my best ends me up is where I need to be.” - Trail Journal

take care of the small & mundane of your day and all else will fall into place.

3. Drop all expectations

after carefully curating and marking the trails on my phone map, i downloaded the maps offline so that i could access it without cell-phone reception.

funnily enough, a bug occurred in the app, and while it saved which direction to go, the elevation gain data was corrupt and didn’t display.

(for those who don’t know, elevation gain is the best-friend metric to total miles, essentially helping one understand how difficult or strenuous the day ahead would be.)

without this data, i felt worried. i needed to know how hard the days ahead were! so i can mentally prepare! right?

then it hit me. to use this falter as a lesson.

i actually didn’t need to know the elevation gain for each day, i was going to hike it regardless.

in life, this lesson can be integrated by curbing over-preparation, becoming explicitly aware of expectations around how things should go, and allowing space for what could be, to be.

as buddhist teachings share, suffering comes from the gap between reality and our expectations.

stop trying to predict the future and find confidence in knowing you can handle whatever comes.

4. A tree can only extend its branches as deep as its roots

a couple of the main elements in the trail life is a multitude of rocks and trees.

while the rocks remained lifeless and consistent along the way, with each mile, each tree i saw became a closer and closer trail companion.

their living nature became obvious to me as they danced in the wind, grew through rock formations, and shaded my most overheated moments.

therefore— the analogy of a tree was hard to escape.

the way i primarily interpreted this analogy was through how i exist in the world.

having moved more times than i can count in my life, stability versus expansion has always been a dichotomy hard to master.

“We can’t only extend. Yet, without extending, we wither without proper sunlight. On the other extreme, if we only root down, we are filled, but not satisfied.” - Trail Journal

i see the rootedness of a tree representing one’s stability, comfort, and routine. the ability to predict what’s next, know what we are doing, and where we belong. all noble things.

on the other hand, extended branches represent our soul’s longing to become our highest potential. trying new things, joining new communities, and taking risks.

for too long now, i’ve undulated between over-rooting and over-reaching, never seeing the interplay between the two. my heart needing both deep rest, and effortful activity.

i realized that in order to progress further in my soul’s evolution, i must learn to root and ground.

for me, grounding looks like the mundane in life: cooking nourishing meals, getting to bed earlier, and sitting with challenging emotions.

“Thus we must root in routine, which allows us to extend into our wildest dreams and ultimate purpose.” - Trail Journal

5. We are nature— and we grow at the same pace

“Maybe life’s magic is subtle, quiet, and permeating— unlike a massive psychedelic trip and instead a melting like ice into a puddle.”

in our modern, techno-enthralled, dopamine-obsessed culture, it can be hard to truly notice the subtle, underlying flow of the Tao, the driving life-force behind all growth. the energy is extremely slow to our more instant-gratified adjusted palettes…so slow that we might not even be able to tell it’s there.

think of quietly observing a single leaf from morning to dusk…did you see it grow?

it’s apparent that we too, especially in our healing journey, grow at the pace of nature.

it’s hard to see change day to day, to see our habits paying off in any real way.

we might even give up a habit after only a few days, because we can’t see results.

if anything is clear to me, especially as a life-long weight-lifter, is that habits we make and execute now, won’t be truly noticeable for at least 6-months.

that kind of timeline is averting, and downright discouraging.

but that is one of laws of nature. and who are we to object.

yet, on the other end of this law of nature, is a beautiful savior.

progress may be slow, but it is sure. there is in fact guaranteed progress.

it’s just subtle.

as nature, our job is to work with the Tao, by embracing the fact we change at the pace of nature, adjust our lives accordingly, and accept that we are subject to the same constraints as nature. but it doesn’t mean we don’t grow.

conclusion

summarizing a life-changing adventure into a simple blog post doesn’t quite capture the essence of such a transformational trip— but i hope this revealed a glimmer of it.

overall, what i learned is that the truth is not secret or hidden, merely subtle and unassuming.

<3

recently, i crossed the threshold into eight months of sobriety from marijuana; the longest i’ve been able to go without it in six years.

without an immediate calming vice, sobriety has left me living life with a startled, bare-naked nervous system without a safety buffer.

my feelings have come back online and it’s been incredible work wrangling them into a spacious and ordered corral.

fortunately, through avid meditation, i’ve found deep success in calming down my body; but lately i’ve found trouble in reducing my mental anxiety.

to me there seems to be a difference between the two; physical and mental anxiety.

so, i got curious.

stress & resistance

long ago, i happenstanced upon this clip (sorry for the shitty youtube short) from Jeff Bezos which stuck out to me. he talks about stress not coming from working hard, but from not working on something you CAN have control over.

this resonated with me, but i didn’t know why at the time.

then, i found my next clue.

as a part of my morning meditation routine, before sitting, i ingest a simple form of wisdom. lately this has been from The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield.

Pressfield wonderfully personifies Resistance; the opposing force of all creative and prosperous endeavors. the second clue came from his reading which was about how the closer a venture is to your soul’s evolution, the greater opposition Resistance will feel to you.

armed with my shitty youtube short and this newly named force, i had a thought come into my head.

magic

just like how god needs the devil, what is resistance defying? i certainly know what procrastination and avoidance feel like in my body, but what about the days i push through the resistance and end up feeling accomplished, aligned, and content?

to me, it made sense that the countering force of resistance would be evolution.

what if instead of dreading or avoiding anxiety (or to Bezos, stress) i use it as a guiding light towards my soul’s deepest evolution?

with a half finished album rotting on my hard drive, countless books collecting dust on my bookshelf, and an endless list of homework projects to complete, maybe i SHOULD be stressed and anxious!

this reframe of anxiety means making peace with the grit and fervor required to evolve. as the Marine Corps says, to embrace the suck. to become a spiritual warrior who eats resistance for breakfast and asks for seconds.

so i turned towards the place of greatest Resistance— which is my creativity.

i will explore my life-long journey with creativity and how reframing anxiety has rekindled my connection with my neglected creative part in my next post.

choice is power

as a student of mental health counseling, one of the core underlying mechanisms for successful therapy is bringing awareness to people’s choice.

emphasizing mindfulness of the here & now is how therapists get clients to recognize their choice in each moment; because choice is where our power is.

misspent power means the waste of valuable cycles beating around the bush of our true desires.

today i want to present why you should focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want.

this simple precept gently accompanies choice; acting as the true north of the spiritual compass towards peace, joy, and equanimity.

the cost

without keeping this in mind, we may be incurring an irreparable cost.

for example, when adventuring outdoors, if i’m using a map to reach a destination, i don’t spend time marking and exploring the trails that don’t get me there. i simply continue to focus on how to get to my destination.

if i don’t want to fail school, i don’t spend time preparing for failure by looking at jobs “just in case” i fail. i spend time studying harder. i spend time and energy towards what i do want. i go all in.

focusing on what you don’t want usually leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, because what we focus on thrives.

the two wolves

there’s a ancient Cherokee legend that depicts this.

it describes an elder passing wisdom to a young listener; the elder describes a battle between two wolves within one’s self, using the battle as a metaphor for inner conflict. when the listener asks which wolf wins, the grandfather answers "whichever one you feed".

to me, this points at a universal law in life that says energy (or food in this metaphor) can be spent one of two ways; towards good or evil, building or destruction, and growth or decay.

when we utilize choice in each ever-changing moment, we get to decide what thrives.

no easy way

paradoxically to me, both wolves lead to the hardships of growth, there is no actual easy way.

“Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.
Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your hard.
Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard.
Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard.
Life will never be easy. It will always be hard. But we can choose our hard. Pick wisely.”

Unknown

if there is no easy way, then feeding the wolf of what we don’t want doesn’t make sense.

giving energy to what we don’t want fuels fear, anger, greed, and creates shows like Doomsday Preppers.

we burrow into safety, robbing ourselves of actual life before someone else does.

dare to dream

so why not take the risk of dreaming, envisioning a better world, and acting towards it; spending our limited time and energy on creating something new rather than preparing for total disaster?

these past few weeks i’ve been reading Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by the great Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

in the book, there’s a section on how to help others meet your needs by making requests using positive action language (PAL).

boiled down, this means asking for what you want, rather than what you don’t want.

MBR uses a cheeky example to emphasize the importance:

when you know what you need, you bring clarity to others of how to meet your needs.

beware

but buyers beware: focusing on what you want comes with grasping.

wanting or grasping is one of the three buddhist poisons, and as the Stoic Hecato says, hope and fear are the same, “They are projections into the future about things we do not control. Both are the enemy of this present moment that you are actually in.”

conclusion

so do not become attached to the hope or the fear; simply act instinctively from the here and now, reveling in the cosmic dance with reality.

we have limited time and energy on this rock hurling through space, so why waste a drop of lifeblood on what we don’t want.

i dare to dream.

this week i lied. i lied to a dear friend. a white lie nonetheless, but it was not truth.

then i shared that lie. with another. they noted the lie. i felt guilt.

later i attempted to steal. just a drink. paying for a fountain drink but wanting a more expensive canned drink. could it hurt their bottom line? look. excuses.

i also shared that event with another, being met with “do i know you?”.

do i know you?

it makes me wonder if i know me.

i feel like i do. i knew i was lying, i knew i was stealing.

so then why did i not stop?

to me, white lies and price discrepancies are small ways of navigating a complex world. a world where most times small disparities are negligible.

“what’s the difference?”

everything

there’s a favorite quote of mine by Annie Dillard, shared to me a few years ago by my friend Nils Peterson:

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. - Annie Dillard

on a micro scale, this can be reduced to another prevalent axiom:

How we do anything, is how we do everything. - Unknown

these two maxims point to the same moon.

the small is the large. now is forever.

if i’m willing to lie in small scenarios, how are others to know my line between a “white” lie and “real” lie?

if i’m willing to steal in minor cases, how are others to know my line between a “minor” case or “major” case?

to me, this IS cause for concern.

maybe i don’t know me.

congruence

congruence is when we act how we feel; when what is inside is congruent with what is outside.

if the question “what’s the difference?” holds water, couldn’t i then reverse-uno it back unto itself?

why not tell the truth? why not revisit the register for a better drink? what’s the diff?

this all comes down to awareness of knowing the truth, knowing how we actually feel.

this is our true sense of Self.

bringing this inner Self to the world is therefore genuine authenticity.

know thyself

with increased awareness of my way of being, although not air tight, comes a horrendous front row seat to my social inclinations.

these impulses leap to clear the gap of connection by being overly-friendly or overly-talkative.

they show up in my exaggeration of stories, talking about others who aren’t present, and occasionally a fake chuckle at a distasteful joke to save the teller from a well-deserved silence.

here too offers wisdom. maybe not speaking is an option as well.

plus, i’m tired of talking all the time.

size matters

my work is now bringing my inner Self to light, giving it room to breathe, to face discomfort of truth, even if it means the story won’t be as impressive without a sly exaggeration. to hold my tongue, and speak only when it adds value or clarity.

because the small things matter. the white lies are still lies.

when we lie, we shield others from their own truth.

when we lie, we shield ourselves from our own truth.

we save face just to not be seen.

therefore i implore: how can we be more congruent?

i’d like to start by asking a simple and open-ended question: what are we doing?

what are we doing here, on earth?

what are we doing here, on a rock hurling through space, bathed in natural resources?

in this post i’d like to propose one of many assumed answers to this question using mythology and the world of Gestalt psychotherapy by suggesting that self-actualization is what we are doing here. discovering our Wild Self.

i’ll be outlining the importance of frustration in the healing & actualizing process, propose an unorthodox solution (involving theft!), and end with a mindset to encourage Wild behavior.

actualizing the Wild Self

but first, what is actualization?

according to the father of Gestalt therapy, Fritz Perls, who was inspired by Gestalt psychologist Kurt Goldstein’s notion of self-actualization, “The only appropriate goal is the realization of one’s true nature.” (Smith, p. 36)

we are here to realize our true nature.

when one decides to embark on the journey of self-actualization, of uncovering and expressing one’s true nature fully, it can be an overwhelming, frustrating, and confusing path.

this path is one towards our inner Wild Self, our inner nature, our complete wholeness.

fortunately for us, many brilliant authors, philosophers, and psychologists of time’s past have imparted a trail of breadcrumbs to which we may now string together to form a bearing towards the Wild Self.

frustration & impasse

discovering our true nature is no easy feat, a road filled with twists and turns which doesn’t happen overnight. while steady progress is made forward, the motion tends to be expansion and contraction. rhythmic. oscillating. three steps forward, two steps back.

even Perls suggested the growth process “requires time and a powerful personal commitment.” (Smith p. 11)

one of the key ideas Perls contributed to the world of therapeutic practice was the concept of the “impasse”, that frustration was a primary ingredient in the recipe for insight. without it, no true insight could be reached.

i found this necessary in my decision to quit my software career at the zenith of my professional development in January earlier this year. i had reached an impasse: i couldn’t successfully (or healthily) continue as a full-time software engineer and full-time student of counseling.

as hard as i wrangled and orchestrated myself together (a tactic which had gotten me that far), i couldn’t fit both into my life. my mental and physical health were suffering greatly. i felt the need to make change, but i stuck to my typical vices to numb the pull. it was frustrating to think of letting go of my identity and salary which i’d grown so accustomed to.

but, after a particularly intense medicine journey, i realized it would be okay. that the path would open. a void would be created in which my full commitment to counseling would then fill. i felt relief, leaning into my trust and faith in the universe to provide. an insight born of frustration. an impasse.

stealing the key

in the fable of Iron John (described while reading a mythological perspective of the masculine energetic crisis by Robert Bly with the same title), there is the notion of “stealing the key from under your mother’s pillow”.

the key resembles freedom of the Wild Self from a cage, and the pillow represents the expectations a mother (and father) put on their child. until one relieves their mind of parental inhibitions, there is no chance at setting oneself free, to actualize. (Bly, p. 12)

this coincides with writing from Perls, whose principle mechanism for proper psychotherapy requires “one to take personal responsibility for one’s own existence”. Smith drives this home by saying, “Psychotherapy, then, means assisting the patient to face that which he tries to avoid.” (p. 18)

as self-healers, we must face that which we avoid. a great counselor is one who appears cruel, making us search closets in our mind we don’t want to.

unfortunately, we don’t naturally want to steal the key. it’s scary. it means we must defy that which has given us life. but in order to prevent avoiding being a child for the rest of our life, we must break the structures we know in order to venture out as a new organism. essentially, we must evolve by discovering for ourself what this world has in store for us by taking responsibility for our path.

going back to my example of quitting my software career, this became apparent when the world and those closest to me seemed to be shouting, “NO! DON’T QUIT! WHAT ABOUT HAVING HEALTHCARE?” it was deafeningly loud.

i knew inside that it was the right decision to quit, but the audacity to leave a plump salary and go without health insurance for the foreseeable future convinced me it was a crime to depart.

by relieving myself of the expectations of those around me, i was able to tune into what the current moment called for (here & now!), and take responsibility for my happiness (or lack thereof). i’ve done nothing but thank my lucky stars since i left, forever grateful that i listened to what i needed (despite my now swiftly depleting savings).

to steal the key means to no longer point outwards and blame, but to take ownership of one’s story by using empowering words such as “I”.

• I believe this is wrong.

• I feel like i’m not understood.

• I am okay.

Paula Bottome Ph.D., summarizes this switch of language well:

“I know when I say “I”, that I am awake. I feel solid and substantial, willing to stand up and be counted as one of the creators and participants rather than an observer for whom events happen to […]”. (Bottome, p. 105)

flowing with the river

finally, a more endearing part of the journey towards self-actualization for was the analogy of flowing with the River, Life, the Tao.

as Perls put it, “man transcends himself only through his true nature”. (Smith, p. 33)

this means to surrender to being as one really is, seeing themselves as an organism in the ecosystem, a part of the whole rather than separate from nature.

we are the ones who make “happenings” in life good or bad. our preferences enhance Maya (illusion) between what is actually happening in the flow of life versus how we see it. when this happens:

• a breakup becomes “a bad thing” while the universe prepares a new lover for us.

• being terminated reflects our unworthiness instead of freeing us to contribute meaningfully.

• grasping for attention shifts us into chasing vapid crowds rather than attracting those aligned with our art.

this builds resilience as you learn to recover from adversity, which is an important pillar of well-being. (Barstow, p. 254)

for me, this year has been a major lesson in flowing with the River as i’ve navigated a job switch, health crisis, romantic relationships, completing the 200+ mile JMT, moving, replacing my vehicle, and starting my second year of grad school.

i’ve found how energetically exhausting it is to constantly bend reality to my liking. now, i simply act from a place of authenticity (“hey, i like you!”), and let go of the result, whether or not it benefits me (“i don’t like you back”, “i like you too!”).

i see now that expression is the leading form of self-love. finding my voice amidst the rushing waters around me; learning to anchor like a stone in the wet flurry, shaping my corners to round with the curves of the happenings.

conclusion

there doesn’t seem to be a concrete answer to self-actualization, because we are not stationary beings. we are more like math functions, with inputs and outputs; processes in motion in a sea of random information. how we assimilate can only be guided, like banks containing a river.

Laura Perls, who was the renowned bridge between Gestalt psychology and Gestalt psychotherapy, spoke on this in-concreteness, stating that “The people who did [Gestalt therapy] well, they were really artists.” rather than scientists prescribing methodologies. (Serlin, I. A. and Shane, P., p. 381)

based on my own personal experience, i’ve outlined simple expectations for your journey, hopefully showing you the normality of frustration in the process, giving you permission to step outside the mold, and loosening your grip so that you flow easier with life.

i hope you can take away the importance of being your own locus of affirmation, answering only to your own intuition when called upon in life, and taking steps towards your Wildest Self.

References

Smith, Edward. (1976).  The Roots of Gestalt Therapy (pp. 3 – 36).  In Smith, Edward (Ed.) The Growing Edge of Gestalt Therapy.  NY: Gestalt Journal Press.

Serlin, I. A. and Shane, P. (1999). Laura Perls and gestalt therapy: Her life and values (pp. 374-383). In D. Moss (Ed.), Humanistic and transpersonal psychology: A historical and biographical sourcebook. London: Greenwood Press.

Bottome, P. (1976). A gestalt way of using language (pp. 104 – 111). In Downing, J. (Ed.) Gestalt Awareness: Papers from the San Francisco Gestalt Institute. NY: Harper and Row.

Barstow, Cedar (2005). Ethics (pp. 251-264). In Right Use of Power: The heart of ethics. Boulder, CO: Many Realms Publishing.

i give up.

i give up the dream that one day i’ll empty my metaphorical inbox; celebrating by bathing in an empty life with no challenges and no responsibilities. that i’ll one day be done with all these pesky little obligations and make it to the other side where life doesn’t require anything of me.

but that’s not how it works.

there is no end to the constant barrage of Life.

creeks

this morning, while sitting next to a nearby creek, i found the ceaseless nature of it quite unbelievable. it just keeps flowing! no matter how long i watched, the creek spent.

likening the rushing water to my internal stream of consciousness, with endless thoughts, ideas, judgements, and regrets; for the first time, nature’s example left me more unsettled.

there is no end to the madness. our minds in these bodies are executing like scripts in a terminal. as we take in more input, we generate more output.

we are a process. a messy, soulful process.

the idea that i’ll one day be “done with societal & life responsibilities” and can then enjoy myself is hearsay.

sips

just like taking our daily vitamins, or walking our steps, like hearty soup we can scoop from the cauldron of peace, sipping our tranquility in doses throughout our day.

by interweaving sessions of meditation, breath work, or (by golly) dozing on the couch— we can knit a quilt of calm, peace, and stillness to help comfort our burnt-out nervous systems.

i’ve stopped waiting to relax until the to-do list is over, my calendar is clear, or my room is perfectly clean.

now i’m selfish, i witness the empty trails and desolate parks; soaking up the sun and cashing in moments i’ve saved for the future. because there really is no such thing as saving time.

nourish

drink from the stillness of each moment, giving it as much attention as we do to our habits of self-destruction.

dip into calmness until the vibration of your activated self feels as abrasive as slowing down did at first.

for on our deathbed, this may be the only drink we remember.

bottoms up.

it’s been a hectic week (decade).

running a household alone while attending grad-school, freelance coding, fitness, writing, etc.

trying not to think about how creative i’d have to be to in order to squeeze in a relationship at this point.

feeling suffocated.

i notice it in others around me lately too.

it’s made me wonder why with more freedom than ever, i actually feel smaller than ever.

this led me to explore how i spent my time and energy; finally taking a stab at curing my crippling procrastination— a task i decided to work on in my sessions with an art therapist.

working with her i’ve been using sketching and drawing to get over the resistance prefacing next-steps in all major areas of my life.

the messy art of making mistakes and being able to undo them while finding flow has led me back to experience, Being, and mindfulness— which has helped me melt away learned helplessness; creating room for my genuine desires and pursuits.

limitations

via social conditioning in our childhood, we all unconsciously pick up inherent beliefs about the world, and our place in it; including perception of how much control one has over the future, beliefs about money, relationships, love, etc.

these are limitations.

when we realize how much control we have over our lives it can be overwhelming.

with great power comes great responsibility, right?

what are we to do? let’s hear from Marianne Willamson.

shine our light

my friend Cher recently celebrated her birthday party and gave a heartwarming speech in which she quoted Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

“powerful beyond measure”

“shrinking”

“liberated from our own fear”

all themes orbiting around these limitations & learned helplessness.

the truth is i have the time. i have the energy.

i just need to sit down & give myself to it (as presented in this morning’s reading of the Tao Te Ching):

it’s a harsh truth, but the first step in awareness is giving our full attention to the problem. zooming in. zooming out. feeling the solution rather than thinking of it.

this is cultivating our intuition rather than our cognitive memory (while practicing mindfulness).

mindfulness? again?

while studying my procrastination, it has led me to distant horizons concerning the human nervous system and hypnosis (thanks to my professor Ian Wickramasekera) which has me finding the solution to be mindfulness (duhh!).

this certainly has me doubling down on my efforts understanding what Being actually feels like.

David Foster Wallace’s This is Water is pertinent here as we can’t see that we are in “water” of our own social conditioning. it may take time to fully see the limitations around oneself.

in order to melt it away, we must shine light on all thoughts, feelings, and emotions that arise when faced with the discomfort of a limitation.

by doing it scared.

giving it our full attention, the problem actually becomes a friend, protector, or deep lesson.

i have found myself falling back to this adage by Allan Watts for guidance:

The future is a concept, it doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as tomorrow. There never will be, because time is always now. That’s one of the things we discover when we stop talking to ourselves and stop thinking. We find there is only present, only an eternal now.

for me i know if i don’t do it now, i won’t get to it. hence, procrastination.

summary

most our limitations are in our heads.

find limitations by facing discomfort.

when we approach them we must meet them exactly where they are before we see their falsehood.

and do it today, because tomorrow doesn’t exist.

anyways, there’s what i have for now.

Austen

PS: in an effort to divert my perfectionism i’m now embracing the “short(?) & sweet & messy” post format :)

what kinds of problems, limitations, or creative pursuits can you give yourself to & get lost in this week?

these days, there is always seemingly too much to do with too little energy.

managing energy levels while ticking off todos on our running list seems to be a challenge all of us face, but what if i told you there was a way to get more done by doing nothing?

for the past five years i have been in the software industry with only a couple weeks of personal time-off each year (for which i’m grateful); but i’ve come to the heartbreaking realization that taking extended time off to recharge, relax, and recover is not going to happen.

on the surface being a productive member of society while also taking care of our mental health can appear juxtapositional— but nature shows us that it is indeed not the case.

nature does it best

it may be surprising, but one of the prime examples of mastering balance can be observed on the plains of africa. lions can be seen either lounging with their pride or chasing down delicious zebras with little in-between; they are hunting, or recovering from hunting.

this inspires a similar ideology surrounding how modern human-beings operate and what we consider to be “productive”.

what is productivity?

productivity has become a buzz word over recent years, but here i’m using the term to encompass the efficiency with which we accomplish and execute whatever we deem important in our lives. it doesn’t necessarily mean “starting a company” or “becoming an entrepreneur”, but if you choose to apply these lessons to that, please do.

for me, productivity means getting done what i want to in a reasonable time, with the least amount of effort

oscillation

this fall i’ve decided to hit the books again by pursuing my master’s degree in mindfulness-based transpersonal counseling. it’s been an incredible time thus far, but managing full-time school with full-time software development has left me with little room for distraction (let alone time to eat!). therefore i’ve been intrigued by the challenge of getting dialed-in while simultaneously developing the calmest, most down-regulated nervous system i’ve ever had.

to me this wasn’t possible until i discovered Rian Doris and his explanation of oscillation: intentionally moving between states of intense exertion and periods of recovery (not relaxation!).

recovery is not relaxation

when i’m exhausted from exerting effort, my go-to has been to lay on the couch, open my favorite app and doom-scroll until i forget who i am.

i’m “relaxing” right? shouldn’t i be able to jump back into work after taking such a break?

wrong.

even though it might have provided an initial escape from the pressures of exertion, relaxing by watching Tik Toks, texting non-stop, throwing on Netflix, or self-medicating with your vice of choice all have the guise of relaxing you, but aren’t the same as active recovery.

active recovery is when we inhibit the external stimulus and allow our mind to catch up with itself; therefore replenishing precious neurotransmitters we have spent during the exertion phase

essentially, we need to do nothing.

mindfulness

this is where mindfulness comes in. despite the incessant clickbait title bombardment on social media and unwarranted ubiquitous advice in wellness circles— it’s an essential part of being human; as necessary to the health of our nervous system as oxygen is to our lifeblood.

it’s imperative that when we are not exerting effort, we are recharging. we can use mindful techniques such as being in nature, modulating our breath, moving our body, and meditating to down-regulate our nervous system and keep our body calm.

my favorite ways of recovering are

• outdoor walks— even if short; get sunlight, fresh air, and your blood moving

• corpse pose— lie on the ground, close your eyes, and hang out with your breath for 5 - 10 minutes

• exercise— calisthenics, long-distance running, yoga

• breath-work— 5 minutes of 5 second inhales followed by 5 second deep exhales

• dozing— similar to corpse pose above, but this is a state between sleep and being awake. lie down, be with your thoughts, and listen to things happening around you without forcing yourself to sleep

sprint, don’t jog

this brings us to our counter-part: exertion.

after you’ve recovered satisfyingly and your brain has rejuvenated it’s stores of “focus-chemicals”, it’s time to exert effort by sprinting.

when chasing down prey, lions don’t jog— they sprint full-out until the mission is complete and their hunt is successful.

pick an assignment, task, or whatever moves the needle for your productive goal that is achievable in 60 - 90 minutes, remove all distractions (i enjoy using Apple’s Focus modes for Do Not Disturb & Work), and enter a state of flow; working solely on your chosen task until it’s complete.

a common mistake i’ve made is to “jog”. i work for a few minutes, get stuck, check my phone, see a text, respond, come back, and realize i forgot what i was working on. by the time i remember what i was doing, ope- i get another text…

a helpful mindset around staying focused is to give yourself two options: to work on your task or do nothing. during your flow you can keep yourself focused by saying “i’m working, but if i get stuck i’ll sit in this chair / lie on the couch / stand in a corner twiddling my thumbs until i’m ready to work again”. this helps build up your attention-span while not chaining you to your desk, which can feel confining.

know what you’re trying to accomplish and simply do it until it’s done.

surprisingly difficult!

conclusion

it’s important for us to understand how we work best in order to prevent burnout, maintain our energy, exude a calm demeanor, and efficiently accomplish what we intend to.

nature is the ultimate teacher, and understanding the best way our primal brain functions is integral, which can be done by observing the behaviors of successful (productive!) apex predators such as lions. while the human physical form may differ from a lion’s, it can still teach us important lessons about how we best operate with our ancient physiology.

we can do this by working intently when we exert energy and resting deeply when we recover, just like nature intended.

in the midst of the pandemic, i packed up and made the move back to my childhood roots in colorado.

living in denver for the past two years has been incredibly insightful, and while i’ve pushed myself creatively and socially, i’ve made no major strides in either area, so it makes the time feel futile.

but i know better— and wanted to mine out any learnings i may have inadvertently collected from the quarry of these past two years in isolation.

after cycling through several friendships, rekindling others, and reflecting on my life in its entirety, i’m excited to share the five most important lessons i learned:

1. don’t talk, do

each time i’ve had an internal call to adjust something in my life i’ve run it by anyone i encounter (including strangers!) until the decision is made.

listening to others’ opinions about my situation is helpful, but i’ve noticed those external voices can easily (subconsciously) override how i actually feel.

keep your cards close to your chest and within your close circle, otherwise get to work and let your results show how much work you’re putting in.

2. do the next thing

usually we know the very next step in each category of our lives as to how we may want to improve, but remain in the information-gathering phase of self-improvement.

for me this shows up in my anxiety about solo mountain adventures.

while reliably invigorating, i’m often more overwhelmed by the planning and rule-compliance of adventuring rather than actually getting outside.

for me i know the next area of contention around camping alone is the cooking aspect. i need to buy a camping stove and learn a few meals to cook.

that’s the next step to getting outside more, not researching more gear like my brain says.

if you want to be better at yoga, find a class and show up.

if you want to learn a new skill, spend 20 minutes learning everyday.

if you want a friend, ask around.

my dad always says, “showing up is 80% of the work”.

3. you must offer value

it’s true, people may like you for who you are, but on a fundamental level, most relationships are mutually transactional.

at any time you have to be ready to commit fiscally and temporally in order to deepen relationships in your life.

but this is more than just “showing up”. that last 20% can make or break your belonging to a community.

i can see how well my siblings and friends do at this. i’ve continuously missed the generosity of handmade gifts i’ve received, hiding from the kindness for fear of having to reciprocate materially.

but the truth is, in order to be a part of a community you must have something to offer. what does the group gain with you being there?

can you claim a new recipe to bring to potlucks?

can you offer to drive your 4WD vehicle to the trailhead?

can you have one of the best moods?

4. no one cares

as harsh as this tenet may sound, this is one of the best lessons i’ve learned.

returning to social media after a couple years off, it’s been hard to not overthink each post i make knowing various figures who have been important to me in previous chapters of life still follow me and may not approve of this new direction i’m heading.

but the truth is: no one cares.

i’d rather underestimate the importance of the public eye than overestimate it as to prevent compensating for a non-existent opinion.

post the video.

make the joke.

look like a fool.

change careers.

no one cares.

5. be your own older brother

last week i called upon my ‘protective older brother’ energy to help me through the transition to this next chapter.

growing up as the oldest male sibling, i never had an older brother to come in and save the day. i had to figure out traumatic social and familial situations on my own.

but we can be our own older sibling, parent, or guardian.

when we step into our lives with that energy we can make decisions that they would advise without having to account for the minutiae of feelings involved, allowing ourselves a buffer from any justification or convincing we might need to make.

stop waiting for your partner, parents, or friends to save you and save your damn self.

conclusion

these last couple years have been the most challenging years of my entire life.

my greatest fears have come true, and i’m finally having to face the music of my inaction. it’s been the autonomy i’ve needed, but not necessarily wanted.

but through this isolation i’ve begun to grow my own roots and establish myself as an individual— which is exactly what i came here to do.

the power of supination

as a “barefoot” enthusiast, the biomechanics of human motion is incredibly curious to me.

for months now i have been attempting to diagnose and treat deeply rooted calf pain when i run, stumping me until i read The Practice of Natural Movement by Erwan Le Corre.

i found the basic mechanics of walking to include placing or landing on the outside of the foot since it locks the ankle into a sturdier position (supination).

incredibly it worked— yesterday i ran 2.6 miles and didn’t feel a single singe of pain in either of my calves.

skipping stairs

this made me realize that in order to run well, we must first learn how to properly walk by working on the basics.

in life there is no stair-skipping.

in order to learn to paint like one of the greats, you must first learn how to hold the brush. bad form will hamper your art for the rest of your career, so why not spend time correcting the basics?

for me the basics always feel too simplistic, too boring. i want to be the best, now.

spiritual work always feels like it’s “out there”, maybe at a yoga retreat or ashram.

but it’s right here and now.

it’s in the brief meals with friends as they pass through town. it’s bickering with your parents. it’s having to cook a full meal after a long work day.

life constantly provides opportunities to apply your spiritual theories (learned at a yoga retreat?), and until it clicks, it won’t let up.

modern enlightenment

so if spiritual work (the pursuit of enlightenment) isn’t “out there”, where is it?

we might say it’s “in here” as we meditate, but that internal change doesn’t affect anything until it’s put into the world.

American writer Wayne Dyer had an atypical definition of enlightenment i find applicable here:

this is much more in line with what i feel Jesus Christ or Buddha were here to say.

less “obey me!” and more “you can do it, it’s simple.”

in my opinion they’d be referring to a similar definition as Dyer above.

hell just may well very be spending your life waiting to be struck by lightning or to levitate while meditating in order for the spiritual work to begin, only to find out you missed all the minor stair-steps along the way— each designed custom for your growth at that time.

conclusion

for me this looks like more time for reflection throughout my day in order to process what is going on around me as to extract the juicy lesson it’s teaching me. even if i hate it.

because it’s like eating broccoli, even if it sucks it makes us better.

so to be “enlightened” get that sleep; call that friend; do the simple things that improve your life, one stair-step at a time.

lately, i’ve been scattered— spinning too many plates at once; attempting to bite off more than i can chew, and ultimately not giving anything the attention i intend to. with so many threads open these days, i may just unravel into a pile of yarn.

without being able to catch up with myself in time, i’ve caught myself spouting life advice that i myself do not follow. it’s been a real wake-up call to me about my own habits and routines these days. i may tell myself i eat clean everyday, but in reality, it’s sparse at best.

why is that? where is the disconnect?

why do we resist the simple, often immediately attainable actions that give our lives such stability?

is discipline wrong?

i suspect it isn’t strictly a willpower issue, but rather the need to reframe our mindset surrounding discipline and how it shows up in our lives.

growing up as the eldest son in a military-religious household, discipline meant early mornings, rules, and corporal punishment. for a while, i rejected these traditional forms of discipline, seeing them as the antithesis to authenticity and living from the heart; but now i know to separate the method from the intention behind it, which is to enforce action.

objectively, action is the only measure worth tracking when evaluating a person to determine their values. for any given idea, you can only be 1) thinking about it 2) talking about it, or 3) doing it. thinking doesn’t directly affect our reality, and we all know talk is cheap, leaving us with doing it.

in order to instigate this new mindset in my life surrounding discipline, i did what any hip corporate marketing team would do; a rebrand.

i call this new relationship “loving-accountability”, as opposed to stone-cold traditional discipline.

loving-accountability

loving-accountability differs from traditional discipline in that it considers the human-being as a tenet in the spiritual-growth equation.

for example, you don’t stop smoking because “you should” or “it will save you money”, all the while getting frustrated with your apparent lack of willpower.

instead, you stop smoking because you love yourself, want to protect your lungs, and live as long as you can. you can still feel the desire to smoke, but by choosing love-of-self as the method of discipline, there is no excuse for you partaking.

in my life, loving-accountability means occasionally not getting up at 5 am when i could use the sleep, but also not allowing myself to skip multiple workouts. choosing things that are doable, yet not exactly a walk in the park. graceful enforcement.

it’s a continuous check-in with yourself, and these days i employ what Cal Newport inspires others to do:

pick 2-3 daily actions that move you towards goals that improve your well-being

for this upcoming month i chose to do the following habits everyday

• write 20 min

• perform calisthenics 20 min

• meditate 20 min

here’s to taking action on important values in my life, everyday.

food for thought

what is the smallest action you could take to improve something important to you?

it’s been a weird week.

in the few conversations i’ve had within my social circle there has been something in the air. at any given time there’s so much to be doing, and feelings of burnout and malaise are on the tip of people’s tongue as we have been catching up this week.

to add, the weather here in colorado has been moody: some days presenting the piercing sunlight i moved here for, but most days it has been below freezing, hazy, and downright miserable. as someone who lives 70% of my time on my balcony, it’s been keeping my inside more and the cabin fever is getting real.

while it’s not quite spring yet (maybe Theo Von would disagree), i can tell we are through the worst of winter, especially as days get longer and we seem to be past the coldest days of the year. this transition between the seasons is part of the ever-changing yearly growth cycle, and humans are not exempt from this natural course.

we are more in tune with the weather than we think— especially when you consider how long (thousands, millions, billions of years?) we’ve spent living outdoors prior to the invention of modern house construction and air conditioning. while we may be affected by strange weather (not to mention the blustering cultural, economical, and political climates), there is some beauty in also allowing ourselves to match mother nature’s state and be messy, moody, and fickle as we transition from the burrowing winter and emerge in a sensational spring.

since living according to the seasons is such a new concept for me, i’m still not feeling 100% ready to go into spring, a highly active period of time. since i didn’t allow myself to fully rest & recharge this winter, i’m making the most of the remaining winter i have left to prioritize my sleep, nourish my body with home-cooked meals, and create stillness throughout my day. i even took a week off of work as a last stand.

each fall, i idealize the onsetting winter being a slow, dark, and cold few months without social plans or obligations resulting in limitless time to myself— but i’m now realizing this may just be a pipe-dream, unsure whether i’ll ever quite get that quantity and quality of space. i cannot tell if that pull is due to my innate introversion, burnout from the year, or hints of depression peaking out— but creating space to rest has been on my mind each year for a while now, and each year i seem to miss the mark.

one of my favorite things to do when it snows here is to strap on my microspikes and get out in the newly deafened world. i rarely see other people out which makes bracing the weather all the more worthwhile. the winter reminds me of it’s intent: the soft death of nature; trees and plants resting before a flourishing spring. by the next day the weather has already changed, melting off what it poured down the day prior and sometimes stirring crisp breezes or musty cloud-cover around.

it’s all part of the transformation between these seasons, and just like mother nature, we have to allow ourselves to have all sorts of days— quiet days, emotional days, expansive days, or basking days.

despite my love for routine, when the weather is turbulent like this it’s a good reminder that we aren’t machines executing programs or scripts on each blank day. we are more like trees, making the most of what we are given, rooted in the moment. some days we get more water, other days we get more sunlight, while other days we enjoy swaying in the wind or days of stillness.

maybe we aren’t broken or “down”, we just aren’t listening close enough to know what we need: deep rest, more connection, days to sway in the wind.

lately i’m letting myself ride the waves of each day, letting the day determine what i get or need moment by moment. the relief comes when you give up the control to force your day to your will and instead play it by ear.

if i am tired, i rest

if i’m excited, i work on my passion projects

if i need human connection, i reach out

if i need grounding, i do breathwork

when we break away from strict routines and melt away any expectations for how we want our days to go— feeling each mood to it’s fullest then responding appropriately— we grow organically.

and when we do that day in and day out, just like nature, we transform.

as a human species, we can attribute a large portion of our reproductive success to our innate desire to pursue pleasure and avoid pain.

it’s one of the fundamental laws of evolution— one we exude when we choose to order take-out instead of cooking at home for example. after all— making a meal is laborious and unpredictable while take-out is comfortable and consistent.

if we listen to this voice of pleasure consistently it strengthens, and pain becomes so foreign that we begin to fear it; after all— it threatens to destroy the comfortable life we’ve worked so hard for.

so we avoid grief, depression, and anxiety like the plague, diving head first into pleasure.

shifting our mindset

but what if these painful emotions were our grandest teachers?

Carl Jung seemed to agree:

this requires a paradigm shift in how we understand emotions and their purpose inside of us.

emotions aren’t something to be feared, but rather are feedback about your interaction with the world. a sign that you need to adjust something in your life; information guiding you to be your truest, most authentic self.

shifting our mindset about emotions from a place of fear to a place of understanding, we are then armed to begin the process sitting with these difficult emotions. instead of confronting them with hostility or repressing them for a later time we can simply ask: what does this emotion want me to understand?

and believe me, it isn’t easy. but it is worth it.

listening

but the good news is that listening to your emotions may not take as much time as you’d think.

the deeper you listen, the quicker you may find it pass, uncovering a deeper truth about yourself, one that you already felt deep down, but never acknowledged consciously.

for me, a difficult emotion would be the fear and intimidation of being the person in my head i envision— it would require a vast list of changes both to my environment and relationships; a worthwhile but uncomfortable stage of growth.

it would involve

• disappointing people i love

• giving up long-held dreams

• letting go of unfulfilling friendships

and yet, i am not alone. so many people i’ve talked to lately describe these intense emotions they’re “dealing with”, a perfectly apt response to powerful feelings. but when we see emotions as separate from ourselves is when we give them power over us. instead we should, as Jung points out, “turn around and embrace this life in all its realness”.

by using all of our emotions, not just the good ones, we can gain insight into who we are and how we should interact with the world now. due to the real-time nature of emotions, we discover what we need immediately.

for example

• jealous of a friend who just started dating an amazing partner?

  • this may be telling you it’s something you want but haven’t been working towards. what action could you take towards finding an amazing partner?

• angry at a coworker for stealing your thunder during a presentation?

  • express it healthily by having a civil discussion with them about how that made you feel.

• disappointed that your friend rarely follows through with plans?

  • use this as a sign that you may no longer be a priority to them and determine whether or not to have a difficult conversation or let go.

creating space

so now, how do we foster listening to our emotions in real life?

here are some ways i’ve managed to create space for listening:

meditation

i began meditating in 2019 by sitting in silence for 10 - 20 minutes each morning, un-guided. since then i’ve incorporated guided meditations and music to help me. in addition i’ve integrated it into my lifestyle; meditating anytime i’m waiting in line, walking by an enticing sun beam at the park, or before bed to reflect on my day.

each person will have a unique experience with meditation, some prefer mindfulness over mantra meditation, or loving-kindness over focused meditation.

the key is to find a couple practices you enjoy and fit them into your current lifestyle, each time choosing the best method based on what you need in the moment

for me, i prefer focused meditation in the morning (to strengthen my attention span), and mindfulness meditation in the evening (in order to decompress).

pick out, experiment, and define a routine that works for you.

outdoor walks

another easy way to cultivate space is to simply go for a walk outside.

even in the winter months i still bundle up and make it a daily habit to get outside— preferably early in the morning to get sunlight into my eyes, get my blood flowing, and step back to check in with myself.

i recommend leaving your phone at home, or if you enjoy audio journaling, carrying a camera, or have safety concerns, try turning it onto airplane mode (and leave your headphones at home!).

mindful walks are one of the most potent ways to begin a time of reflection in your life.

nature + movement + pondering is the lifeblood of our souls.

get up earlier

at the expense of sounding like a ‘grindset’ tech entrepreneur, the most beneficial habit i practice (for periods of time) is to get up at 4-5am daily for a few days or weeks in order to have several hours in the morning to spend with myself before the rest of the world awakes.

your body may resist the early wakeup calls at first, but that can be mediated by going to bed earlier to account for the loss of sleep. try experimenting with what time to get up and stay consistent with the daily habit until you feel caught up with your spirit.

this practice is so powerful that you may find it becomes your favorite part of the day.

i spend the time not only meditating on my difficult emotions, but also to read nourishing books, move my body how it wants, or catch up on todos i’ve been dreading.

the goal is to use the time to actionably benefit your mental, physical, and spiritual health.

conclusion

despite what we’ve learned (or not learned) about emotions in the past, they aren’t enemies. if you give them the floor to to express themselves they can provide key insights into your life.

what is important is that you continue to seek what they have to say by creating space to listen in your life through daily habits such as meditation, mindfulness walks, and earlier mornings.

like all worthwhile things, confronting these emotions is not easy— especially when you haven’t tuned in for years or even decades.

but like any muscle, the more deliberate attention, repetition, and exercise you give them, the more it strengthens.

who knows, you may just learning something new.

disclaimer: i am not as proficient as i would like to be in gender, identity, and sexuality terminology or language. while i aimed this article at those who primarily identify with masculinity, this is not specific to males. please inform me of any ways i can be more inclusive with my writing wording & terminology

these days, it’s not hard to find an example of toxic masculinity in one’s day-to-day life.

a casual search on YouTube results in incredibly reflective ways to squash what is being called colloquially as ‘the pussification of men’:

for a while now i’ve been disheartened by this uprising of alpha messages declaring themselves as the golden standard for the masculine path— and yet it’s hard to look around a grocery store and not feel saddened by what adolescent males have become; albeit- a product of the culture we’ve set before them.

at the risk of sounding too ‘where are the real gentlemen??’, below all this, what exactly has happened?

how have we ended up at such polar extremes— from macho toxic masculinity to isolated dopamine addicts? (myself included: i’ve been an example of both throughout points in my past)

at least the traditional male role used to be clear & straightforward: do well in school, learn a trade / skill, meet a partner, get married, start a family, work until you retire, collect the gold watch, and finally then: rest.

at the other extreme, now it seems like our main focus is to get home as soon as possible, beat ourselves up for not being an ideal alpha male, light a joint, play video games until a tinge of loneliness arises— to which we then squash with hyper-stimulating pornography.

in a matter of a single generation, how did we go from men who fight in wars, to men who can’t emotionally handle losing virtual wars in video games?

i’ve witnessed a number of contrasting sides of modern masculinity, and want to use my experiences (both good and bad) to help others deepen their self-knowledge.

from the turf of bone-shattering rugby games to desolate all-nighters coding, i’ve been around kings and snakes; alphas and betas; physically underdeveloped geniuses & emotionally intelligent team captains all who in one way or another exuded a wonderfully strong sense of masculinity in their own rite. so what exactly made these outliers, well, masculine?

until now, i haven’t been able to see a clear pathway forward.

we all hold more social influence than we could imagine, and as i’ve come to realize my own influence, i’ve become incredibly passionate about uprooting and clarifying what exactly we should be striving for as human males outside of the alpha, beta, religious, cultural, or traditional norms we’ve grown up under.

now granted- i don’t have all the answers, because i’ve just merely begun the journey myself. just as buddhist monks iterate: they aren’t the moon, but they can can point it out to you.

the lessons i’m learning along the way have been harsh, yet so enlightening that i can’t help but share them in hopes of saving even another consciousness an iota of suffering.

so, to return to the question, what has happened to modern masculinity?

well, i have a hunch— because i’ve watched it happen in real time. growing up as a male raised in a traditional mid-western household and subsequently riding the digital wave of the internet into whatever digital landscape this is, i’ve gotten a perspective, that while unconventional— may be exactly what we need in order to start fresh.

this is one of my main goals with writing is to offer a more well-rounded, wholesome, and grounded perspective of what reveling in our divine masculinity looks like in an unprecedented world we were not prepared for.

society has evolved so quickly that we now have to be proactive in our pursuit of ourselves, because it matters more now than ever— not only for our own health, but for the health of our families, communities, and ecosystem.

and the funny thing is, i believe it is entirely within our grasp. if anything, it’s an unlearning, a detaching from the world and a tuning into our human experience, no matter where we are in life. it’s an internal expedition within ourselves; the spiritual journey we’ve heard about for so long in the subliminal message underneath all of our favorite books, music, and art.

and all we have to do is start listening, and with this blog—let me show you how.